Please welcome Nikki Glaser Nikki Glaser Nikki Glaser David Spade,
the host with the most… step stools
in your apartment. [ Laughter ] David,
you’ve seriously influenced so many female comics’…
haircuts. [ Laughter ] Tonight, Jeff
is dressed as Prince …the prince of whales… the animal. You’re fat.
[ Laughter ] Jeff, if you changed
your name to a symbol, it would be the Arby’s logo. [ Laughter ] Jeff.
No, Jeff, I’ll admit — I have imagined Jeff
without clothes. It’s how I stay thin. [ Laughter ] Rob Riggle.
[ Groans ] I want to thank you so much for fighting the war
against terrorism… and subtlety.
[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
Jimmy A. Carr… is what Ralph Macchio
has to do to find a place to sleep every night. [ Laughter ] “Jimmy a car” —
That’s pretty good. Jewel is here, or,
as I call her, “Trailer Swift.” [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Jewel, I do not
want to bad-mouth you since
God already did. [ Audience ohhs ] No.
[ Laughter ] I think your smile is cute. I feel like your teeth
are like the Spice Girls. You know, they’re all
different colors, and they’re, like, doing
their own thing, so that’s — [ Laughter ] It’s fun.
[ Applause ] Peyton Manning is here.
That’s not for you guys. That’s for him. Peyton, you’re here right now.
You’ve had a lot of concussions. [ Laughter ]
You’re here. [ Enunciating ]
Don’t murder your wife. I don’t know much
about football, but I love Peyton,
uh, in commercials. You’re like — You’re so good
in them, like legitimately. I’d say you’re
the greatest of all time. I’d say, like,
you’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials.
You know, like, the greatest. [ Cheers and applause ]
Like, he’s the greatest, right? So…
[ Laughter, whistle ] And without “fuehrer” ado,
Ann Coulter! [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Oh, Ann.
What’s it like to be, like, a real-life super villain,
you know? Like…I’d ask you
how you sleep at night, but I’d assume just upside-down
in a robe of 101 dalmatians. [ Laughter ] Ann Coulter has 11 written books — 12 if you count “Mein Kampf.”
[ Laughter ] Yes Ann’s been called things
like a racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic,
a white supremacist, and that’s just while
getting plowed by Bill Maher. [ Laughter ] The only person
you will ever make happy is the Mexican
who digs your grave. [ Audience ohhs ]
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Chuckles ]
Speaking of Hitler, Jeff, you and Hitler
have a lot in common — micro penis,
you’re bad at your art, and no one cared about you till
you started roasting people. [ Audience groans ]
Guys… I can make that joke
’cause I’m not Jewish, so I don’t care. [ Laughter ]
Don’t be mad. At least I acknowledge
the Holocaust. Ann doesn’t even think
it happened. [ Laughter ] Speaking of deniable
tragedies, Rob Lowe! [ Cheers and applause ] You’re so [bleep] hot,
I can’t even stand it. Rob defies age…restrictions.
[ Laughter ] You really — You’re —
You’re a [bleep] Adonis. Look at you.
You look like you’re sculpted. I mean, you put the “statue”
in “statutory rape.” [ Laughter ]
I mean, right? God, I had such a crush on you
when I was a little girl. If only I’d known that’s
when I had my best shot. [ Sighs ] [ Laughter ]
Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ]
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone! [ Cheers and applause ]
He’s so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat pussy but only
with the crust cut off first. Isn’t that his look?
Speaking of crusty pussy, I’ll get to you
in a second, Cybill. I, um…
[ Laughter ] I know. I know. Martha Stewart,
“shank” you for being here. [ Laughter ]
Shank. Seriously, and congratulations
on getting that Thai soccer team
out of your vagina. [ Audience groans, laughter ] And into your sweatshops.
That’s where they are now. Surprisingly, Martha said that
prison food wasn’t that bad. Just, you know, as long as
it was clean-shaven, so… She loves attention to detail.
Is she laughing? I’m terrified of her.
[ Laughter ] No, I —
Honestly, Martha Stewart, I’m a huge fan, and my mom
is an even bigger fan. My mom has learned
everything from Martha Stewart about cooking and cleaning
and withholding affection, so… It’s close to my heart.
Kevin Pollak is here. [ Cheers and applause ] Ah, such an amazing actor. Most —
Uh, I know Kevin as, like, one of the greatest
impressionists of all time. I’m a huge fan.
My favorite of his is, um, he does an amazing
Robin Williams. I-I just wish
he would finish it. [ Audience groans ] Yeah. Okay, guys.
Listen, all I’m saying is that we’ve lost a lot
of greats to suicide recently, and it’s time
we lose some okays. [ Laughter, groaning ]
Cybill’s gorgeous. I’m, like, honored to meet her,
and, um — and her résumé is insane.
Like, if you look at it, it’s just like model,
actor, singer. You name it,
she’s [bleep] it. [ Laughter, groaning ] I wish that wasn’t true. I don’t know
any of these people. Cybill… Why am I here?
Ugh. Literally, you have,
like, no friends. Um…
[ Laughter ] It’s truly so cool
to be sharing the stage with these badass women — Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart,
uh, Margaret Cho. I’m sorry, Dom Irrera. I —
Uh, sorry. I thought that was… [ Laughter ] Dom Irrer– I know.
You sleepy potato. [ Laughter ] Dom, I love you,
but how did you have a stroke on both sides of your face? -Explain that.
-I don’t know. I don’t get it. Dennis Rodman, what’s up?
Dennis Rodman! I first met Dennis
just earlier tonight when he tried to sell me
incense on the sidewalk. [ Laughter ]
I don’t want any, okay? Edward Norton is here. [ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, buddy. Ed looks to me like
if a marionette became a boy and then that boy
became an asshole. Right? He was so hot
in “Fight Club,” right? When he was Brad Pitt.
That was nuts. [ Laughter ]
Now let’s get to Bruce! [ Cheers and applause ] -Bruce?
-Yes? This is honestly a real — a big personal moment for me
to be here roasting my dead cousin’s
second-favorite action star. I know you, obviously,
as the star of every DVD you kind of
just find on the street. [ Laughter ] Obviously, you had
an amazing action-film career until Jason Statham
started balding. [ Laughter ] I’m just not familiar
with action movies. I don’t know. I’ve never seen
a single one of your films consensually. Like… it’s always
what some guy puts on while he’s trying to finger me
on his roommate’s couch. Do you know what I’m saying? Maybe I didn’t understand
“The Fifth Element,” and it wasn’t ’cause
I’m a dumb girl, but because it’s hard
to follow that plot when you’re
fighting off a roofie and there’s a knuckle
inside you, you know? Just me? Oh, I loved “The Sixth Sense,”
though. I loved — And the ending,
when the guy came in my eye and I didn’t have to watch
the rest of it, that was great. A lot of people don’t know that Bruce is a very talented
musician, because he isn’t. [ Laughter ] Bruce has also been very active
with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make
sick kids meet you so dying doesn’t seem so terrible.
It’s so cruel. Bruce, in all honesty,
thank you for having me here. You’re really cool.
You’re so hot. And this is a special night.
You really are. It’s a special night, obviously.
Your family — Your daughters must be so proud
of their father, Ashton Kutcher. [ Laughter ]
Thank you very much. Good night. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, that’s so good.
-Thank you. I got ’em. Sorry. Thank you. – Sean Hayes!
Keep it going for the reason Mike Pence
says we have hurricanes. [laughter] You look like the little man
on top of a wedding cake that a bakery would refuse
to make for you. “Will & Grace” was really
the best you could do. It just… Just Jack!
Just Jack is– it’s also what I’m gonna do
in my hotel room alone after sitting next
to Blake Griffin all night. Jesus Christ. You’re so hot.
What the fuck? You’re so–I’d fuck you
in front of my grandparents. I–that’s how–
I almost want to, you know? I feel like Mimi would be proud. Blake, you look like a black guy that got made by a printer
running out of ink. That’s– Yeah. Chris Redd is here
because Comedy Central wasn’t sure if Blake
was black or not. You look great, Chris. Uh, you always dress
like a nine-year-old who just found $1,000
on the sidewalk. [laughter] At this point, like,
what can you say about Jeff Ross that he hasn’t heard before? It’s like–uh, oh.
“I respect you.” Um, “You look nice tonight.” “Here’s your salad, sir.”
Stuff like that. Okay, Jeff, you look like
if Popeye only ate Popeye’s. [laughs] Checks out. – Come back, no.
– No, Jeff, no. Don’t break the couch.
Your face… Your face has a dad bod.
Let’s– Jeff gets really hot girls
and I just–I don’t– how do you get 10s? Teens, I’m sorry,
I read that wrong. How do you get–
you have the sex appeal of a gymnastics doctor.
I just don’t understand. [scoffs]
Robert De Niro is here. Looking like ALF. I can’t even believe
I get to share this stage with you tonight,
Robert De Niro. And by this stage, I mean
the final one of your life. It’s–
[audience groaning] I’m sorry. I don’t feel
right about any of this. Caitlyn Jenner,
I just want to thank you for all you’ve done
for the trans movement and the size
16 stiletto industry. You were such
an incredible athlete. People forget just how fast you
once ran from your first family to go be on a reality show. [laughter]
– I like that one. – Seriously, though, I know
being a new mom is hard. But even Casey Anthony knows the current
location of her daughter. – Oh, my God.
– Okay. Thank you. You’re a Republican.
I don’t know why. You’ve already gained control
over a woman’s body. [laughter] What does that party
have to do to lose your support? Be your son?
[audience groaning] Caitlyn, I know
you’ve only publicly identified as a woman for a few years, but I just want you to know
that I know that, deep down, you have always been a […]. And, uh–
[laughter] I spell it with a K,
though, for you. You’re great.
Thank you, you’re great. Alec Baldwin, what an honor
to be here roasting Justin Bieber’s wife’s oldest,
fattest uncle. It’s like– I’ll never forget
that voice mail, um, that–what you called
your daughter Ireland a thoughtless
little pig. Um, that’s got to be
one of the worst things you can call your daughter. After Ireland, actually.
That’s– that name, yikes. Speaking of terrible names,
your wife’s name is Hilaria. Is it “Hi-lair-ia”?
It’s–it’s “Hi-lair-ia”? – “E-lar-ia” – “E-lar-ia”?
Oh, it’s so stupid. Okay, um– It doesn’t matter. She’s so hot.
Dude, she’s so hot and fit. Does getting screamed
at burn calories? You have four kids
under the age of six. I just–how do you do it? I mean, isn’t your semen
just oatmeal at this point? [laughter] Oh, Robert just got excited
when I said “oatmeal.” He started salivating. Your– your night nurse
is warming it up backstage. It’ll be ready in the break.
I’m such a fan of the Baldwins. I’ve never been so sure that four people have buried
a hooker together. [laughter] In all seriousness,
I want to thank Alec. Um, in his memoir,
he bravely admitted that he had once
considered suicide. And I just want to say
that that meant a lot to me because I have also
considered your suicide. And I have some ideas. I even know what I’m gonna wear.
Alec, thank you so much for having me here tonight.
Thank you. [cheers and applause]
[upbeat music] – You are fucking funny.
Written by Brian Rohrer
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